Kuki! Walky–chan!
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: Young Harry Dresden meets an Outsider and suffers a fate worse than insanity… a self–proclaimed girlfriend! Abnormal, Unspeakable, Blasphemous, Ominous, Chaotic, Romance Crack.


A/N: likely won't continue. According to the abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic Google Translate, "Kuki" means 'stalk'.

...

Kuki! Walky-chan!

by the abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: The abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic Cthulhu Mythos is public domain, as far as I can make out, so no apologies for that. The abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, badass, awesome, arsonistic, Dresden Files belongs to Jim Butcher. I make no money off it. This fic was inspired by the abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic anime _Haiyore! Nyarko-san._ WATCH IT!

Yes, this IS an abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic running gag.

...

He was sixteen.

"_Run!"_ said a resonant baritone.

A pair of video games.

"_Run!"_ said the voice on the Sinistar game. _"I live! I . . . am . . . Sinistar!"_

He told Stan to put the money in the bag and began to approach them.

"_Run!" _said the Sinistar machine. "_Run!"_

The air was filled with an obscenely abnormal and blasphemous ominously chaotic pressure.

Harry took two slow steps toward the video game, staring at its screen. Flickers of static that washed across the screen. The reflection of the store shone dimly upon it. His reflection shone on it, long and thin. The store was made of shadowy shapes—aisles and end caps, the counter and the door.

And someone was standing just inside the door.

Harry blinked. He rubbed his eyes. The paper bag made a steady rattling sound. There was a creature from another world standing behind him. He could feel it, no more than seven or eight feet away from him, every bit as real as Stan, to every sense but his sight. He cast a single, hurried glance over his shoulder.

Nothing. Stan was shoveling various bills into a paper bag. The store was empty. The door hadn't opened since he'd come in. There was a bell on it. It would have rung had it opened. Harry looked back at the reflection.

It was two feet closer.

And it was smiling. Purple eyes gleamed.

A darkness slithered up Harry's spine and danced in spiteful shivers over the back of his neck. It was a vast, timeless, deep. It was a thing beyond comprehension, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, and Pythonesque.

This thing wanted Harry. It wanted to take him, preferably in some amusing fashion. It wanted to enjoy the process. And nothing said, nothing done, would ever, ever change that. It had no mercy. It had no fear. And it was old, old beyond Harry's ability to comprehend.

And then it was behind him, so close it could almost touch, its outline half-hidden behind his.

It leaned up. A forked tongue slithered out from between its teeth and it whispered, in a perfectly low, calm, sexy British accent, "What you have just sensed is as close as your mind can come to encompassing my name. How do you do?"

Harry tried to talk. Really, he did. Seriously.

"Um, I'm fine," Harry said, abnormally, unspeakably, blasphemously, ominously, chaotically confused. "That's a mouthful, and I'm busy. D-do you maybe have a nickname?"

The smile widened.

"Well…" came the abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic purr. "Among those whom I have disassembled, I have several times been called by the same phrase."

"O-oh? W-what's that?"

"She," the spiky bob-haired, purple-eyed, little girl purred, her narrow shoulders rubbing against his back, clad in an outfit of black leather and a fur collar, "Who Walks Behind."

...

"So… you're some kind of demon?" Harry said some time later.

She-Who-Walks-Behind sniffed. She was small, barely 4' 5", her hair a short and spiky bob. "Not a mere demon. I'm an OUTSIDER! That's a completely different thing!"

"What's an Outsider?" Harry asked.

"Well…" She-Who-Walks-Behind tapped her chin thoughtfully. "We're kinda like aliens. Only, not from outer space. It's kinda like that."

"Oh… is that why you're called Outsiders?" Harry said.

She nodded in an abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic way. "Yup. Exactly."

"But… why were you after me? I was almost sure Justin sent you to kill me…" Harry said.

She-Who-Walks-Behind blushed. "Actually… he did…"

Harry's eyes went wide, and he involuntarily tried to move away.

"But it's cool, it's cool!" She-Who-Walks-Behind said, waving her hands placatingly. "I wasn't actually going to do that!"

Harry frowned. "Why not?"

She-Who-Walks-Behind abnormally, unspeakably, blasphemously, ominously, chaotically blushed harder. "Well, you see, when he gave me the glass that had your blood on it, a sound effect, like a 'target sighted' alert, went off inside my head. In other words, I could tell you were just my type."

"To eat?" Harry asked nervously.

She let out a merry old abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic English laugh. "Oh, no silly bugger. No, it was love at first sight. Well, actually, love on second sight…"

"_Second_ sight? Have we met before?" Harry asked.

"You were probably too young to remember," She said, looking away and abnormally, unspeakably, blasphemously, ominously, chaotically blushing harder, "but I've met you once before. When you were being born, someone sent me to kill your mother."

"_WHAT?-!_" Harry demanded.

"Yes, it was some jilted vampire ex-boyfriend of hers," She said. "I nearly did it too, but when I got there I saw how cute you were and it was love at first sight! And I just couldn't do it! You and your mom looked so cute, covered in blood and mucus and stuff. So I made a vase break and went home." She swooned. "I still remembered that cute little boy, though. And now here you are! Surely it's Fate that we've been reunited to finally bring our hearts together and make our love bloom!"

"You got a crush on me when I was a _baby_?" Harry said, face crinkling. "That's.. That's some kinda abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic… thing."

"Oh, don't worry, I'm not that kind of girl!" She said, waving her hands. "I fell in love with your _soul_."

"Ooooh…" Harry said, nodding. "My _soul. _Well, that's not Twilight-y at _all…_"

She-Who-Walks-Behind flinched. "Hey, it wasn't like that! Besides, that's an anachronistic statement, those abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic books haven't been written yet!"

"I feel like I need to be wielding a fork…" Harry muttered. "Who _ARE_ you, exactly?"

"Traveling amidst the stars with the tears of many on my back and eliminating malign enemies... Hunter of the shadows who falls upon enemies, sexy Lady of Slowest Terror, I am the Walker upon the road, always coming up behind Harry with a smile, She-Who-Walks-Behind! Call my name, and I will appear!"

He stared at the dark-haired abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic British girl posing in front of him on one leg with her arms outstretched.

"But you can call me Walky, Harry honey!" she chirped. "Ah! Now we're on the run, dodging your evil uncle, just the two of us, all alone, needing to rely on each other…" She swooned. "Oh, how romantic! Here, let me share my body warmth with you!"

"Ah! Hey, leggo of my pants!"

And that's how the Leansidhe found them, his pants half-off, wrestling with an amorous Outsider…

...

"Hmm…" Walker said, looking at the big abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic hole in the ground where the abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic house used to be. "Harry, I think you need to work on your control. I don't want you burning houses down to be a habit."

"Shut up and help me here, will you?" Harry panted, pulling out Elaine's unconscious body.

They had a VERY hard time hiding the fact Harry had essentially broken the 7th Law of Magic from the White Council. It sorta helped that _he_ wasn't actually the one who'd summoned her…

Sadly, Walker had to go back Outside after Rashid caught her…

...

_Blood Rites, several years later…_

In the dark, Harry faced Lord Raith, nearly blind, the only light a bunch of ceremonial candles. His brother lay bound, and Murphy was just as blind as he was. Madge was finishing her chant, abruptly switching to English as the tempo changed, the dark cloud above her whirling. "While here we wait, O hunter of the shadows! We who yearn for your shadow to fall upon our enemy! We who cry out in need for thy strength, o Lord of Slowest Terror! May your right arm come to us! Send unto us your captain of destruction! Master craftsman of death! Let now our need become the traveler's road, the vessel for He-Who-Walks-Behind!"

Harry froze upon hearing those words. _Oh, hell's holy stars and freaking stones shit abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic bells… they got her name wrong…_

Made was about to sacrifice Thomas when Murphy came out of nowhere, trying to set the vampire free. Lord Raith shouted out a warning, he sounded mere feet way from Harry…

Madge reversed her grip on the knife and stabbed down.

The chains clinked. Thomas's hand snapped up, grabbing the knife before it touched him, his skin which was shining pale and bright, though not a sparkle in sight. It was close, though. Murphy grabbed her gun, but there was a blur and she collapsed, unconscious, and Lord Raith was standing over her unmoving form, picking up her knife. There was a struggle, and Lord Raith managed to prick Thomas's chest even as Harry used his sword-cane to stop the knife.

A bit of blood welled from the wound…

There was a slightly tingle as a little bit of power was poured into the working. Not the full power from a sacrifice, but even a little blood added something.

Harry made a snap decision.

"WALKER!" he cried at the cloud. "Walky!"

There was an abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic stillness… and then the dark cloud roiled.

_"Traveling amidst the stars with the tears of many on my back and eliminating enemies..." _the British accent came. Lord Raith looked up, puzzled.

"_Sexy Lady of Slowest Terror, I am the Walker upon the road, always coming up behind Harry with a smile, She-Who-Walks-Behind! Call my name, and I will appear!"_

Harry felt a breath blow sensually against the back of his ear. "Hey, Harry honey. Missed me?"

It did _not_ end well for Lord Raith. She-Who-Walks-Behind did NOT appreciate people trying to kill her boyfriend!

...

**- To be abnormally, unspeakably, blasphemously, ominously, chaotically continued...?**

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A/N: I've tried my abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic best to make this as abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic Lovecraftian as I can. I abnormally, unspeakably, blasphemously, ominously, chaotically hope it works. After all, everyone knows it's not abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic Lovecraft without the abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, excessive adjectives!

The abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic Lord Raith still got Death Cursed, it just happened a little later…

Thinking of continuing this with the skinwalker and Demonreach…

Please leave abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic reviews. Abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is the abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic Shadow, signing off.


End file.
